Something perplexing arrived in a dream. In many ways it was confirmation for what I already knew in my bones. But I appeared in this dream carrying hope...that things had changed. I returned to see if repair had occurred...and it hadn’t. Please note here...what I’m about to say may be triggering.
I regularly have dreams where I find myself on the campus of a christian college I attended (Northland Baptist Bible College). Oddly, it’s not just me who has these returning dreams. I’ve had conversations with others who also have what we now call “Northland Dreams.”
Interestingly, every time I have one of these dreams it’s slightly different than before. So this tells me NBBC is simply a setting my subconscious is choosing to show me something. This one was very different that the others. It went like this.
The setting was the beginning of a semester, where attending classes...on day one...was all about syllabus and ground rules and guidelines and seating and the like. I found myself in the back of a large classroom where everyone was orienting themselves to the room and what was unfolding here.
I remember wondering about dress code...if I was going to have to wear a skirt. (And of course in this dream I was...wearing a skirt...because it’s what you did as a female at christian college). A girl approached me (as if on cue) and said...would you like one of these? In her hand was a piece of forest green fleece fabric.
And I said, “What's that for?”
And she said, “This is to go over your legs, because the boys have been looking under the desks up girls skirts.”
I was furious!! Why
are they still getting this so wrong!
I had survived inside a system like this for a very long time...and now..inside this dream...I refused to conform.
Clearly...
I’d come back here to
see if the system had changed.
And they were still asking the
wrong people to carry the burden
of misplaced truth.
It’s quite a magical thing when you take your present reality knowing self into a dream setting. And from within the dream you respond based upon this knowing instead of past programming. It’s an empowering experience when you shift from what you used to do...and instead respond from your awakened knowing.
In this instance...
Survival asks: How
do I adapt?
Awakening
asks: Why the
hell should I?
We all know because we’ve experienced moments like this. Where in an instant something undignified arrives because an inner truth had been violated. And over time...this violated truth demands to be named. It starts as a whispering voice and grows into a roaring lion demanding attention.
There comes a moment when the body realizes it has been asked to do something morally backwards — to carry the consequences of someone else’s failure to be accountable. That moment is when the Sacred NO is born.
Whether we act on that Sacred No moment right then or not isn’t really the point...the point is that our inner truth heard the bell ring inside ourselves because our sacred wiring said, “NO.”
Sometimes it takes time for us to recognize what actually happened...and to embrace this awareness when something similar happens again so we can respond in line with our inner truth instead of conforming to cultural expectations.
I’ve learned within this context to offer more compassion to myself when pondering upon some of my previous experiences in life. We are all just muddling along here trying to figure it out. Humaning...a big trial and error sequence.
But...to go back to my dream for a minute...there are definitely systems like these that have not morally matured. Persistent misplacement of responsibility reveals that the issue is structural, not situational. The time has come for some “structural growing up” to show up.
I’m not anti-faith.
I’m anti-misplaced
responsibility.
I’m also anti-: “be smaller so others don’t stumble”, and anti- “cover yourself so they can behave”, and anti- “forgive without repair”, and anti- “submit without safety”, and anti- “silence as virtue”!
By
the way, covering for truth by dismissing responsibility is not
holiness.
It’s
control wearing a halo. It’s
fake. It’s fools gold.
And you can feel it in the air in and
your bones.
I didn’t leave church culture because I was bitter, weak, or
unwilling to submit.
I left because I refused a system
that protects itself by sacrificing dignity.
And
once you see that, there is no “going back for the good parts.”
I called out in that dream, “WHY ARE THEY NOT TEACHING THE BOYS... human respect and boundaries, self-control, self-regulation and just plain better humaning?”
You know these things too..in your bones. I’m very likely preaching to the choir here….because once someone sees things like this inside a culture...you can no longer unsee the structural failure.
I was taught these frameworks from a very young age. So I know them inherently...as I’m sure many of you do too...because you too were taught this same structure. When you see human-behavior that reflects these frameworks it’s recognizable from miles away...because we lived from within it for so long.
The system responded to harm by: managing appearances, controlling bodies, softening outrage, and redirecting responsibility.
Instead of doing the one thing that actually creates safety in this scenario:
Teaching boys respect, consent, self-regulation, and accountability.
Teaching girls to know and defend their physical boundaries, stand in their sovereignty and autonomy, and to refuse to be polite when they sense they’re being bullied.
I’m done accepting: spiritual frameworks that police bodies, containers that prioritize reputation over safety, systems that call control “care”, and rules that excuse harm and burden the harmed.
This isn’t about a christian college, church culture, or my dream — it’s about how harm is still mismanaged. It’s about institutions that have stalled in their moral development — still relying on control and compliance instead of accountability and repair.
In case you might be hung up on this entire writing session stemming from a dream...well, there is also a real scenario that I witnessed this past summer. While working for Green River Adventures...I was managing the riverside operations and hundreds upon hundreds of folks would tube the Green river with us each day. And one of these fateful days a church youth group arrived. Just so happens that this particular day...all the girls of this group were wearing long cotton t-shirts over their swimsuits. All the boys in this group, shirtless and swim trunks.
My heart sank...because I knew exactly what was going on here. This was an example of rules that excuse harm and burden the harmed. “Control” sheeping as “care”. “Modesty” masquerading as “safety.”
I was deeply disappointed. Because this is exactly the church culture I grew up in 30 years ago. Where rules excused harm and instead burdened the harmed.
I view this as the continued sacrifice of dignity in plain sight. My heart ached for the boys who were clearly not being taught the deeply true values of respect, consent, self-regulation, accountability and just simple good humaning skills. And for the girls who weren’t being taught sovereignty, autonomy and to stand up and demand self-respect.
Repair begins when everyone is honest about what’s really going on. And considerations are made in honor of human dignity and truth. Repair means acknowledgment without defensiveness, consistent behavioral change, courageous teaching from heart versus silencing out of fear, and responsibility held by those with influence. Real change becomes tangible.
It’s in my blood to call a spade a spade. And many of you also are truth-tellers in this same way. We can’t help it...and it’s probably why we’re here. To wave the flags of “Hey...not here. Not this!”
And shine the light back onto our human right to declare the Sacred No!
We can do better. We must...for our hearts, for our souls, for our truth.
This is the way.
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