I recently came across a video where clinical psychologist, Dr. Becky Kennedy, was guest lecturing at her Alma mater, Duke University. In her lecture to a class called “Learning to Fail” (which is part of the resilience curriculum), Dr. Kennedy talked about the profundity found in what she called, “the learning space.”
According to what she says on this video and to this class, “the learning space” is the space in between knowing and not knowing. The space between being good at something and not being good at something.
You can’t have lived as a human and not know the experiences found within this very space. We all know the moments found here very well. Such as learning to ride a bike...and the wrecking and the falling and the kicking of tires and skinning of knees before the actual real riding occurs.
According to Dr. Kennedy, there’s one feeling found within this space.
Frustration!
And some people are runners from this feeling because it can be SO VERY uncomfortable. But I contend...that the most successful people in the world have learned to become resilient here. Have learned to be comfortable with the frustration...and stay present and work through the discomfort...until the level of familiarity and comfort and knowing is reached.
Naturally, much of the successes here can be attributed to sheer determination and gut fortitude...and sometimes this can be due to the need for survival or just because the end determines the means.
So let’s talk about the space between being good at something and not being good at something.
We can’t get to the “being good at” without being able to tolerate the intense moments found in “not being good at” a thing. And from within that...we have to LET ourselves not be good at something in order to learn something new.
I think we were much better at this as kids. Where nearly everything we do is new to us so we embrace newness like the adventure it is. Newness was all we knew then. We didn’t have the option of having done a thing for 10 years yet. So we settled into that newness...and explored and tried lots of new things. Because too...our peers...those in our own age group were also doing the same...navigating the everything-is-new-to-us-landscape.
The longest I’ve worked at the same company was nine years (Rafting in the Smokies). And throughout those nine years I did a plethora of different jobs for that company...so it wasn’t the least bit rutty or stuffed with sameness. The next longest I’ve worked for the same company was five years (Norfolk Southern Railroad). The point in my telling you this is...while there have been many times in my life I’ve wondered what it might have been like to work for the same company for 20 or 30 years working my way up (wage increases and promotions and the like) and then retire from the same place. But this hasn’t been my experience. I’ve had dozens of different jobs over the years. And my oh my, how this has expanded my outlook on life.
But let me tell you...each time I start a new job...I go through the frustration-laden learning curve of not knowing all the ins and outs of that job. My math and job experience has made it pretty clear that it takes about one year to get “comfortable” in a new job. These first months doing a new thing are SO full of vulnerability, discomfort, and on and on. And much to do with how present you are required to be in each an every task so that you don’t screw it up...because you can’t do it with muscle memory or on auto-pilot yet. But in the very act of trying new things...oh my gosh...the proving ground and self-soil cultivating experiences that exist there are PRICELESS!
Nature is yet another great teacher when it comes to expanding our comfort zones and challenging ourselves in “the learning space.” Is why I’ve nearly fallen in love with “creek crossing” experiences while hiking here near the town I currently call home, Saluda, NC just outside of Asheville.
Here you are...hiking along in your confidence...and then you realize the trail continues on the other side of this creek you just came upon. Now you’re required to find a way across. In the warmer months you just take your boots off and walk across. But in the cooler months...finding an alternative (maybe rock hopping or shimmying across a downed tree-bridge) route is a most gloriously challenging experience. Simply to see if you can do it without getting your feet wet. I like to call this “the adult playground” moment. Where you see the “monkey bars” that nature has presented and wonder inside if you can tackle the problem presented.
You’ve got to connect with your body mentally and remember what it’s actually capable of. Balance, coordination, jumping distance, etc. Then you’ve got to size up your surroundings and estimate whether you’re capable of what you’re asking yourself to do. It’s a most delightful confidence builder when you get to the other side and say to yourself…“yep...I just did that.”
I’ll mention here too...one way (and there are many) to become comfortable in the “frustration/not knowing space” is to laugh at yourself. Don’t take yourself so seriously in this space.
I’d like to become an expert at staying in the learning space...and not being so hard on myself for “not knowing” some things. And one of the best ways I know to challenge what you do know...is to put yourself in situations that you’ve never been in before.
I’m still learning and I’m no expert. But the only way I know to become an expert at something...is to do that something over and over and over and over again.
So I want to take a moment and thank the Facebook algorithms for bringing the Dr. Becky Kennedy across my path. I now have a WHOLE NEW view on the value that exists within the experience of frustration from within “the learning space.”
Photo Credit: Image by ichimi from Pixabay
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