Something perplexing arrived in a dream. In many ways it was
confirmation for what I already knew in my bones. But I appeared in
this dream carrying hope...that things had changed. I returned to
see if repair had occurred...and it hadn’t. Please note
here...what I’m about to say may be triggering.
I regularly have
dreams where I find myself on the campus of a christian college I
attended (Northland Baptist Bible College). Oddly, it’s not just
me who has these returning dreams. I’ve had conversations with
others who also have what we now call “Northland Dreams.”
Interestingly, every
time I have one of these dreams it’s slightly different than
before. So this tells me NBBC is simply a setting my subconscious is
choosing to show me something. This one was very different that the
others. It went like this.
The setting was the
beginning of a semester, where attending classes...on day one...was
all about syllabus and ground rules and guidelines and seating and
the like. I found myself in the back of a large classroom where
everyone was orienting themselves to the room and what was unfolding
here.
I remember wondering
about dress code...if I was going to have to wear a skirt. (And of
course in this dream I was...wearing a skirt...because it’s what
you did as a female at christian college). A girl approached me (as
if on cue) and said...would you like one of these? In her hand was a
piece of forest green fleece fabric.
And I said, “What's
that for?”
And she said, “This
is to go over your legs, because the boys have been looking under the
desks up girls skirts.”
I was furious!! Why
are they still getting this so wrong!
I had survived
inside a system like this for a very long time...and now..inside this
dream...I refused to conform.
Clearly...
I’d come back here to
see if the system had changed.
And they were still asking the
wrong people to carry the burden
of misplaced truth.
It’s
quite a magical thing when you take your present
reality knowing self
into a dream setting. And from within the dream you respond based
upon this knowing instead of past programming. It’s an empowering
experience when you shift from what you used to do...and instead
respond from your awakened knowing.
In
this instance...
Survival asks: How
do I adapt?
Awakening
asks: Why the
hell should I?
We all know because
we’ve experienced moments like this. Where in an instant something
undignified arrives because an inner truth had been violated. And
over time...this violated truth demands to be named. It starts as a
whispering voice and grows into a roaring lion demanding attention.
There
comes a moment when the body realizes it has been asked to do
something morally backwards — to carry the consequences of someone
else’s failure to be accountable. That moment is when the Sacred NO
is born.
Whether
we act on that Sacred No moment right then or not isn’t really the
point...the point is that our inner truth heard the bell ring inside
ourselves because our sacred wiring said, “NO.”
Sometimes
it takes time for us to recognize what actually
happened...and to embrace this awareness when something similar
happens again so we can respond in line with our inner truth instead
of conforming to cultural expectations.
I’ve
learned within this context to
offer
more compassion to myself when pondering upon some of my previous
experiences in life. We are all just muddling along here trying to
figure it out. Humaning...a big trial and error sequence.
But...to
go back to my dream for a minute...there are definitely systems like
these that have not morally matured. Persistent misplacement of
responsibility reveals that the issue is structural, not situational.
The
time has come for some “structural growing up” to show up.
I’m not anti-faith.
I’m anti-misplaced
responsibility.
I’m also anti-: “be smaller so others don’t stumble”, and
anti- “cover yourself so they can behave”, and anti- “forgive
without repair”, and anti- “submit without safety”, and anti-
“silence
as virtue”!
By
the way, covering for truth by dismissing responsibility is not
holiness.
It’s
control wearing a halo. It’s
fake. It’s fools gold.
And you can feel it in the air in and
your bones.
I didn’t leave church culture because I was bitter, weak, or
unwilling to submit.
I left because I refused a system
that protects itself by sacrificing dignity.
And
once you see that, there is no “going back for the good parts.”
I
called out in that dream, “WHY
ARE THEY NOT TEACHING THE BOYS... human respect and boundaries,
self-control, self-regulation and just plain better humaning?”
You
know these things too..in your bones. I’m very likely preaching to
the choir here….because once someone sees things like this inside a
culture...you can no longer unsee the structural failure.
I
was taught these frameworks from a very young age. So I know them
inherently...as I’m sure many of you do too...because you too were
taught this same structure. When you see human-behavior that
reflects these frameworks it’s recognizable from miles
away...because we lived from within it for so long.
The system responded to harm by: managing appearances, controlling
bodies, softening outrage, and redirecting responsibility.
Instead of doing the one thing that actually creates safety in
this scenario:
Teaching boys
respect, consent, self-regulation, and accountability.
Teaching
girls to know and defend their physical boundaries, stand in their
sovereignty and autonomy, and to
refuse to be
polite when they sense they’re
being bullied.
I’m done accepting: spiritual frameworks that police bodies,
containers that prioritize reputation over safety, systems that call
control “care”, and rules
that excuse harm and burden the harmed.
This
isn’t about a christian
college,
church culture,
or my
dream — it’s about how harm is still mismanaged.
It’s about institutions that have stalled in their moral
development — still relying on control and compliance instead of
accountability and repair.
In
case you might be hung up on this entire writing session stemming
from a dream...well, there is also a real scenario that I witnessed
this past summer. While working for Green River Adventures...I was
managing the riverside operations and hundreds upon hundreds of folks
would tube the Green river with us each day. And one of these fateful
days a church youth group arrived. Just so happens that this
particular day...all the girls of this group were wearing long cotton
t-shirts over their swimsuits. All the boys in this group, shirtless
and swim trunks.
My
heart sank...because I knew exactly
what was going on here. This was an example
of rules that excuse harm and burden the harmed. “Control”
sheeping as “care”. “Modesty” masquerading as “safety.”
I
was deeply disappointed. Because this is exactly
the church culture I grew up in 30 years ago. Where rules excused
harm and instead burdened the harmed.
I
view this as the continued sacrifice of dignity in plain sight. My
heart ached for the boys who were clearly not being taught the deeply
true values of respect, consent, self-regulation, accountability and
just simple good humaning skills. And for the girls who weren’t
being taught sovereignty, autonomy and to stand up and demand
self-respect.
Repair
begins when everyone is honest about what’s really going on. And
considerations are made in honor of human dignity and truth. Repair
means acknowledgment without defensiveness, consistent behavioral
change, courageous teaching from heart versus silencing out of fear,
and responsibility held by those with influence. Real change becomes
tangible.
It’s
in my blood to call a spade a spade. And many of you also are
truth-tellers in this same way. We can’t help it...and it’s
probably why we’re here. To wave the flags of “Hey...not here.
Not this!”
And
shine the light back onto our human right to declare the Sacred No!
We
can do better. We must...for our hearts, for our souls, for our
truth.
This
is the way.
Photo
Credit: Image by Jürgen
from Pixabay
